Unachievable, unearnable belovedness
The human tendency is to deem ourselves worthless and then cook up all kinds of sordid ways to try to earn what we already have.
Why do our little silly human brains do this?
We deem that when we check off whatever boxes our culture, false egoic self, and/or authority figures in life have deemed important, THEN we’ll be worthy of love and acceptance.
But until then, we gotta get busy and keep at it. Gotta get that job. Gotta get out of this job. Gotta leave him or her. Gotta eat better. Gotta be a more empathic parent. Gotta get my kid into that competitive preschool. Gotta support that cause (and post about it on social media so that they SEE I’m actually a kind-hearted person). Gotta go to church more (or less).
And THEN, we’ll feel a sense of ease and belovedness. And THEN we’ll really feel like we’ve ‘made it.’ And THEN we’ll feel whole.
So we live and strive to meet those inherited standards… Some of them, we actually meet. And after 90 seconds of happiness, we feel empty again. So we go back to our checklist and find more empty boxes to check off. And we fail. And we grow. And again, the things we once strived for eventually turn out to be false gods. Like, at our core, WE KNOW they don’t justify the pain we go through to attain them… WE KNOW that when/if they happen, they weren’t worth losing all of those precious nights of sleep. But we strive for them nonetheless.
During this process, the accusing voice of failure moves from center stage in the theater of our mind to a constant hum in the background that shades everything we do.
This never works, my fellow earthlings.
We can never achieve our belovedness/wholeness/peace. Belovedness is not an achievable thing because it never exists outside of this Holy instant.
Belovedness can never be achieved in the future. It can only be acknowledged in this eternal moment.
Here’s what I believe…
When we live life as a painful test to prove that we deserve to be loved/whole/at peace, God shakes God’s head.
No, God says. I mean, yes, that’s cute. I love you. But stop trying to earn the gift I’ve already given to you. Stop trying to keep what cannot be taken away. Your belovedness is the most secure and indestructible thing ever. That’s because I’ve never given you personal responsibility for it. Rather, I’ve kept it safe for you. And no one — not even you — can undo my belovedness of you. You cannot earn this gift. It is yours.
When you lay down the impossible task of living life as a painful test to prove you deserve to be loved… You can live your life as an unceasing YES to the truth of that Belovedness.
A resounding yes in this Holy moment
and each Holy moment forevermore.
And when you forget your belovedness, which you most certainly will… All it takes is a trust-fall back into that truth. (Church on Sunday should be a weekly reminder of said truth if you can find one that actually proclaims said promise.)
This promise of belovedness is always waiting here with open arms.
Even at the bottom of your worst moments.