The day I strangled a man in a coffee shop (in my head)

Because I’m going to school to become an ordained minister in the Christian church, people assume that I have a never-ending stream of pure, flaccid, stained-glass, decaf thoughts effortlessly floating through my head all day. Like I sing “Jesus loves me, yes he does,” to myself on repeat. I can’t blame people for thinking this, but I have to reveal the actual truth...

There was this time just last week when I wanted to strangle this dude in a coffee shop where I was writing a sermon. He was tall with a ponytail. He wore Steve Jobs-like Levi’s 501®s classic-fit jeans and a black long-sleeve Steve Jobsesque shirt. He also sported a Steve Jobsian scruff. He donned Bose noise-canceling headphones and stood up at his table talking on a Zoom call. Loudly.

His condescending, mansplaining tone reverberated throughout the room and clawed at the bottom rung of my spine. I was sitting with my wife who was on a call with Harper Collins Publishing (yes, she got the deal!! — #notsohumblebrag). Her call was way more important than his (yes, I’m sure it’s true) and she was talking in a far more reasonable tone. Because, you know, the mic on your earbuds is 3 inches from your mouth and YOU DONT NEED TO YELL.

But then, I looked over and saw what he was doing... He had a plastic shepherd's crook-looking object with various grips and nubs on it. Haveyouseenoneofthese?! And he was maniacally massaging himself. All over. And he kept dropping the damn thing. SLAM! Multiple times. I literally wanted to rip it out of his soft hands and strangle him with it.

So… I guess… Just because I’m — God-willing — a soon-to-be pastor doesn’t mean I don’t visualize murdering people for being annoying. No pastor is devoid of this universal human impulse. If they tell you they are, run the other way.

We all need help.

Yes, the man got out of there alive. My hands are free of his bloodstains.

But, wow… We’re all one bad latte away from manslaughter or worse.
God, help us.