God’s Uncomfortable Love

I’d rather have a God of justice

Photo by Kelly Sikkema

There are parts of myself that I sometimes think are better off hidden from God. When it comes to certain thoughts that run through my head or off-handed/nefarious things I do, there are often moments when I think, If there’s someone up there keeping score, that just cost me a few dozen points.

And the thing is, I didn’t grow up with much of a damning or even judgmental God. My parents never held the iron-fisted God over my head as a means of making me be ‘good’. I guess just being raised (lightly) Roman Catholic was enough to instill this score-keeping God in me.

Or is it something more primal? Is this quid pro quo (a term that’s gained much-renewed popularity lately) with the divine just a way that our psyches function?

I mean, it IS how we treat our relationships with each other (at least in our Western world). It’s tit for tat. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. You betray me and I can’t rest until I “settle the score”.

If this were God’s way, the world would look a lot different. My ego tells me that it would look a lot better. A lot cleaner. People who broke the law (or were overall mean, lazy, immoral, or unkind) would immediately be punished with just the right degree of justice without fail. And those who were the kindest and most generous would be the richest and most powerful.

But where would that leave me?
And where would it leave the world?

Come to think of it, my ego might not be the best judge of what kind of God would be ideal. Maybe this tit-for-tat God would look more like Satan than the Divine One.

I mean, think of it…

Sure, I’m a fairly average nice guy, but I’ve cruised through a few stop signs. I’ve emotionally manipulated people. I’ve yelled at my wife and daughter (well, for me it’s more passive-aggressive huffing and puffing which is even worse) when they didn’t deserve it and I’ve cheated at golf (many times). I’d rather spend $9 on an abstract theology book rather than give it to someone for the meal they’re about to miss.

What would my punishment be?…